I made a decision.
For most of this year, I’ve been holding the goal of creating more any lifestyle content. In my mind, that obvi meant reels—it’s the medium I have saved about a million pieces of inspiration of.
But it’s not a skill I have.
And I kept saying, it’s not a skill I have yet, that I’ll make the time and practice and learn. Truthfully, there is a part of me who is intrigued by it, who wants to learn and gain the skill. But/and/also there’s another part—a bigger part—that just… doesn’t. At least not in this moment. I don’t want to tinker and experiment and be bad at it before getting better. And maybe that sounds entitled and bratty (it is!!!) and I’m okay with that. In this moment, that’s okay.
Because my reality is: I’m moving through a fucking *lot* right now.
A new country. A new language. Bureaucratic shit. IVF treatment. Endless needles. Heartache. Loneliness. Grief. Layers on layers of adjustment and emotional bandwidth already spoken for.
I’m truly not in a position to add the task of honing a brand-new—non-essential—skill to my list.
And yet, I forgot that.
We all forget that. We forget how much we’re carrying and then we’re absolute dicks to ourselves about it. The voices creep in: You should just be able to do this. You should just be able to figure it out. It’s not rocket science. But I’m very anti being a dick to myself. That’s kind of… my thing. I’m about being kind to myself. Working with myself. Letting the answers be simple. Letting my 2nd line natural shine instead of shaming myself to do it better/different/whatever.
And it finally dawned on me this weekend.
This little cloud that’s been over my head… you should be filming this. Another day you didn’t film your morning routine (because your morning routine is in limbo). Another day you didn’t film cooking (because we literally have one pot, two bowls, and two forks). Another day you wasted…
Grosssss. The fuck!!!! That’s not me. That’s not how I operate.
The realization bloomed when I was thinking ahead to an upcoming podcast recording where my co-host and I would review our September “wants” and share what we actually “got.” I realized I’d have to admit that I didn’t share the one lifestyle reel I set out to do. I was starting to feel badly about it but then, capital S self popped online and said…
Hold the fuck on, my friends!!! (speaking to all my parts, assembled around the table)
I actually had shared other lifestyle things.
Here on Substack. Over on Threads.
Placed where it felt easy and fun and natural.
Ways that felt interesting and low-lift and like creative expression.
I hadn’t failed. I’d just been insisting on a medium that didn’t align with me right now.
I wasn’t making myself right (something I consider a core tenet in both my life and business.)
Because what if my mediums are actually photos and writing? Two things I have considerably more fun with. Two things I feel much more naturally drawn to. Two things I can do with ease and even excitement.
Suddenly, it felt so simple.
It felt like relief (another core tenet of mine.)
It felt like flowing, not forcing.
And, you know, it just makes me consider how often I (we!) do this to ourselves. How often we overlook the paths of ease because we’ve been conditioned to believe that only the hard, the uphill, the “grind” is legitimate. How often we ignore the flow in favor of the forced, because somewhere along the way we absorbed the lie that ease is actually the worst thing of all: laziness (I’m joking, I claim lazy with love!) That if we aren’t striving, we must be slacking. That it has to be done ‘the right way’ to even count.
I don’t subscribe to those ideas. That’s capitalism’s voice. That’s patriarchy’s voice. The systems that benefit from keeping us overextended, ashamed, and convinced that the solution is always to push harder. The systems that don’t want us to trust ourselves enough to choose ease, because self-trust is dangerous to structures built on control.
So while this essay is totes about me, if you wanted to explore it for you…
Where are you making yourself wrong right now?
Where are you overlooking a more easeful, natural path?
Where is there a simple answer staring you in the face?
And what if that’s enough?
What would it feel like to flow, instead of force?
I’d love to hear what this brings up for you in the comments! 🫶🏻
"if we aren’t striving, we must be slacking" ooooooooooooo